Our "Superpower"

Last week totally 100% Sucked!!! I had a blog all ready to go but life happened and it was derailed. 

It became something else totally unplanned for this week. This week I want to vent/praise the blessing we call a superpower in our house. Autism.

Little Mr. was diagnosed just under 1year ago when he was 5 after 3 years of me fighting for the right referrals even with doctors saying he was exhibiting signs of being Autistic since he was 2.5. I am so very grateful that November 2017 we got his Level 2 diagnosis. 

For those that don't know what that means it means according to the DSM-5 (the newest of the diagnostic manuals used in American Psychiatric ... Level 2 is defined as "Requiring substantial support” Marked deficits in verbal and nonverbal social communication skills; social impairments apparent even with supports in place; limited initiation of social interactions; and reduced or abnormal responses to social overtures from others.

Little Mr. is not like most Level 2 kids though he acts and interacts like a high functioning /level 1 but due to his temper and noncompliance issues he is ranked as higher because he requires more support to deal with his Autism. 

Fast forward to 11 months to last week. I had 2 meeting and phone calls/text messages daily with the school due to his general education classroom teacher not following his 504 plan. Which has been an on going issue since August when school started this year. I was super stressed and dealing with her pure refusal and what I viewed as disrespect of the me and my child. I saw myself being angrier and shorter temper with my beautiful boy and I found myself thinking I HATE AUTISM. 

My wake up call came Friday night AND Saturday morning when my beautiful Little Mr. was struggling to accomplish a goal on a game he was playing and he said. I HATE MYSELF, And I Hate that God messed up when he made me. Why did he not just throw me away. I am a mistake and broken.  When I heard My 6year old say these things I grabbed in the tightest hug he would allow and reminded him that he was wonderful and that he was not a mistake. Even at 6 he asked me why did God make him Autistic and make him (as he feels he is) stupid. And I reminded my little boy what I told him when we first got his diagnosis last year. That God gave him a superpower that allowed him to ability to be uniquely himself and that due to this superpower he was not stupid but his mind worked differently than others and we as a family would have to find out how to help him use his big smart brain in his own way. 

While I was telling him how wonderful Autism was for his life. It was my reminder that yes it sucks that he struggles and I have to fight to get him what he needs BUT it is a BLESSING because thanks to it my handsome, unique, quirky Little Mr. is 100% not like anyone else and he never hides his true self, and he never denies his truth. Which is why in the Snider house Autism is now and will always be a superpower. 

Last week's "punch" in the face.

My therapist said something last week that hit home and I have been kind of meditating on the last few days.
She said " I am worthy because I believe I am. " 

This is not the first time I have heard something like this but it is the first time I did not just jot it down or highlight it with the intention of coming back to it at a later date and never thinking twice about it.

Last week was hard for me in terms of the session and what was talked about. As we discussed my feelings about my past and why I am afraid to share my story with those around me. Ultimately after a round of the over philosophical question of "but Why? ". I came to terms with the why and it is simple. I am scared to share because I am scared of people knowing and thinking I was not good enough. Not good enough to love, or to spend their time with, of being my "person" and of being apart of my life now.

So this statement at the end of my session as simple as it may be hit deep and hard. And has had an impact on me that the other half dozen or more times did not.

To me it is simple and means that no matter what my world around me thinks about me. I am the only one in it that can say were I am good enough and worthy of their attention and time. If I think I am than I am. Point blank no frills or fuss.

Now I don't plan to disclose or share my past publicly at this time or in the foreseeable future. But I wanted to share this thought with anyone who may be reading this post. 

**No matter what you have done in your PAST. It can't define your FUTURE unless you allow it to. Because you are not the person you were yesterday and you won't be the person you are today tomorrow. And you ARE WORTHY OF MORE IF YOU BELIEVE YOU ARE! **

(All images used in this post were found on-line I do not own the rights nor are they my own)