Today has been a day already. Man oh man has it been a day. Here I am sitting in my favorite local coffee shop enjoying the sounds of the conversations and movement around me. But I keep thinking about what I was doing 10 minutes before I decided I was coming here.
This morning started like our mornings normally do B is fighting his morning routine and K is getting ready for work so I was left with the job of fighting the parental fight alone. B called me a bad mom and was telling me how I suck because I refused to allow TV time until he was ready for school. Same old thing I deal with every morning and I can usually handle it but after the verbal assault I got last night on top of still recovering from getting my tonsils removed and a cold I didn't have as much patience as I normally do.
I yelled at my kid to get over it and to follow the dang rules. I am so tired and so over being the thing that has to carry the weight all the time. Unlike the sister in Encanto I do NOT have unnatural magical strength. I may seem like I can move mountains and carry 6 donkeys but I can't I am an ordinary woman who needs to breath, cry and throw a fit sometimes. After I yelled, I walked out of the room and cried. Causing K to pause to ask what's up to which I responded with tears still falling have you not been paying any attention to what has been happening? I could seriously use help. Instead of allowing your son to walk by you or to watch TV in the morning back me up and fight the fight to keep him on task PLEASE.
I am not proud that I snapped I am not proud that I essential shamed my husband into helping parent his son. I am especially not proud that instead of saying hey hun can you help me before I broke I kept going until I had no choice because I failed. Once I stopped crying I took B in my arms and reminded him how much I love him and I love being his Mommoo. I also apologized to both my guys for snapping. We redirected the rest of our morning to a more positive directions and carried on.
I write this now to show that it is okay to break as a mother. As long as you work hard to correct things and to show your kids that even though Mom broke she loves and is still going to be there. Mom's have feelings and emotions that are sometimes bigger than we can contain just like our littles have. We can't be afraid to let our child see us display them. Especially when it can be done before we break. How are we to expect our children to have a healthy relationship with their emotions and feelings if we haven't modeled what that should look like. As well as modeling that when our emotions get to be to big and we mess up how to properly handle that fall out.
On my way here to the coffee shop I was listening to K love and a new ( too me ) song was on and it was like a prayer. In the moment I was half listening but since being here in my home away from home I keep replaying the beginning verse. (below is that song), God knows what my heart and headed needed in that moment and sent a simple song to remind me to simply pray in the moment.
1 comment:
It is so hard, mama! Especially with a kiddo on the spectrum who struggles on his own to effectively communicate his emotions. I always have a certain level of guilt when I reach my breaking point. I don’t want the emotions that I demonstrate in an impulsive way to be the standard for which my autistic son bases emotional expression. It is hard to empathize with military spouses too, because they do so much physical work, and are tired too (we see that), but they don’t see our daily lives keeping our households running and maintaining normal. I think it was smart to blog and release some of your feelings, while sorting out the rest. That’s a very mindful practice. I wish we lived closer, sounds like you need a girlfriend to steal you away for an afternoon!
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